Take my recent ear surgery for example. I have updated the condition at here and also at Facebook but the number of friends that actually ask me about it is so limited. I mean some will say they did read about it at my blog but too lazy to comment. Well, how can that possible if you really care for me? My guess for a more possible and logic condition is that they don't even know about it and did not read my blog.
So my blog is just some diary that I write and post to the web and then read it myself.
Even though I always feel I have very few friends. Even though I always told myself lonely can be freedom, but time that I need caring and comfort and support, I just feel so cold.
I am so stressed now. Almost 30 but still like nothing. No house, no car, no lover, no career, and not even health....
Why I am stressed?
My company going to cut head count for my team and change the support hour from 24*7 to 16*5. As I am the last to join the team, I will also be the first to get fired.
My ear is still not recovered from the surgery. I still can't hear well using it. And I start to wonder will I ever recover. Or I should be prepare to be half deaf. I never feel blind, deaf, dumb or lost of limb people is so suffering. I feel a small piece of the iceberg now.
My birthday is coming too. And that also means anniversary for the saddest day in my life. Can feel the kind of pain in my heart and soul that is so deep until I am not able to cry.
So now me going celebrate 27 years old, and knowing that I going to lose my job soon, my ear still not recovered and I am still single.
Am I not good enough? I really wish to know what I should do. When some of those guy who love beat women and call women bitch. Who love to have 2nd, 3rd, 4th lover. Guy who care more for their Manchester United team then their lover can have girlfriend. I wonder why I can't? Am I even worse then them?
When some people who job is to smoke with the boss during office hour and socialize with the boss after hour, can earn more then 5000 a month. I wonder why I am struggling and on the edge to lose my job?
My health perhaps is my fault. For choosing to undertake the surgery. For choosing to lie on the bed instead of going out for jogging. For choosing to eat McD as breakfast instead of a normal porridge.
Now the biggest question that I need to answer now is "What I want to do with my life?". I am like a boat floating in the middle of the ocean. Without any idea on which direction to go. Without any beach that I can see for me to go. Just floating....
I wish GOD can give me a sign. I wish it can just let me earn a fortune thru Lucky Number Draw. But, not going to happen.
我没那种命呀 轮也不会轮到我 - I am not the lucky one. Even if everyone can take their turn, it won't be me.
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