The No.4 girl in my love life.

Some update of what have happen to me recently.

Mentally I feel I am very stress. A lot of things happen and I do not understand it.
I am the kind of people that search for control. I wan to be in charge or at least able to see and predict what will happen. When things go out of my control, I feel scared.

That is what happen to me and her. I always try very hard to understand her, try very hard to enter her heart, and everytime when I feel I am in the front of the door to her heart, I will suddenly find a very big lock tat is locking the door. Everytime I try to open this lock, I may find another lock another lock and another lock. Feeling so tired

On Tuesday, I have a short confrontration with her. Even after all these time, even after she make it so clearly that she don't want to be my gf, she still try to keep a lot of me special to her only. Such as only her can call me "Fai Fai". This time the quarrel is when she find out I got a new girl as my Kai Mui. She feel that Kai Mui can only be her. Kind of like if I have love her already then I can never ever love any other people again even if she dun love me.

The climax part of the confrontration is when she there say last time when she with me she very sincere treat me as only Kai Kor. So for her Kai Kor is someone that we can hold hand and walk in shopping mall? Someone that we can french kiss? Someone that we can always 撒嬌? I still remember the time when I just once a while go out with friend to some place and she will there say me bad coz dun bring her along to those place. Why do she do that? Why keep on hold me to her side but dun let me leave and dun let me enter her heart?

Like I say I try to understand her but the more I try the more I fail to understand.

Anyway, my relationship with her already is no longer special, since my 2008 birthday. That is the birthday I will forever remember. On 2007 birthday, I remind her and so she say, I force her to celebrate with me by reminding her. So I decide not to tell her on 2008. I cancel celebration with everyone so that when she finally ask me out, I will be free to go with her. I waited whole day, trying to think of excuse for her. In the end the phone ring and is from her. I taught the first thing she will say is wish me but turn out she just want to ask have I remember to help her bank in her credit card payment. My heart feel frozen but I try to sound normal by telling her I forget. And so she drop the line without noticing that day is my birthday. Even if I just mean a normal friend to her, I guess she should wish me birthday but at the moment I feel I am just a nobody to her.

电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你记起我生日快乐
怎么你只问你的 Credit Card
是你忘了
还是你没记过呢

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了